Thursday, 17 May 2012

Operation Rolling Thunder

<> You ye bastard ye barred

I haven’t been in here for fucking years
How the fuck can I be barred?

<> Ye just barred
Get out

Are you part of the management?

<> No

Well you can fuck off
It’s got nothing to do with you
Get fucked

<> You fucking what?

You what?
You what?
You what, you what, you what?
You fucking heard


<> What’s going on here

Are you the manager?

<> Yes

Well that bastard over there claims I’m barred and the last time I was in here was in the 80s.

<> Ye not barred mate, look mate come here, listen to this, ye not barred but them bastards over there are forever causing trouble.  I’ll serve you but you had better watch out for them.

Fuck them mate they don’t scare me.  Tell you what I’ll have a pint of John Smiths and will you do me a favour?

<> What?

Put an unopened bottle of lager on the counter behind me when I turn round to speak to them after I get served.

<> Can you handle it?

Old soldier, British Army mate, them wankers don’t frighten me.
There’s a tenner
Can I get you one?

<> No thanks I’m OK

Can I ask you a question?

<> What is it?

Am I the first customer they have tried to bar or have they done it to others?

<> They do it all the time, they think they own the fucking place, I’m not scarred of them as individuals but there is too many of them for me to handle.

Can I ask if you know their politics?

<> Fucking fascist the fucking lot of them

From Germany?

<> You know?


<> I know you

Do you mean you know of me?

<> Well yeah, I know of you, ye called Geordie Gardiner

Have you heard good reports or bad?

<> Good, they say you don’t have much time for fascists?

You heard right. How many are there of them, are most of them in tonight or are some of them at home sucking sausages, the square headed bastards?

<> Ha, ha, ha, most of them are in.

Who are the dangerous ones?

<> The bastard who told you to get out, one by the right-hand partition as you would look at him.

To my left as I am standing here?

<> Yeah and one by the left-hand partition as you would look at him and one other bastard that is yet to arrive.

Expected soon is he?

<> He should be in soon
There’s the bottle of larger
On the house

Cheers, let’s see what the bastards have to say when I turned round


<> I told that bastard he was barred

<> Manager:
You cannot bar my customers

<> You watch, before the end of the night he will not want to come back in here again

Shut ye fucking mouth
Gob all
Fucking pimmelkoft

<> Who are you calling cockhead?

Are you deaf wanker
I did not call you cockhead
I called you pimmelkoft

<> Other customer: What does pimmelkoft mean?

It means cockhead

<> Other customers: 

<> I’ll kill you ye bastard

In ye dreams wanker

<> I’ll blow ye head off

Ye couldn’t blow ye fucking nose

<> Is that right
What about this then?

Loaded is it?

<> Would you like to find out

And you fat bastard what’s it got to do with you

<> Who?

That fat bastard in the corner

<> Where?


<> The Fascists Friend:
 Watch it he’s got a bottle

Fuck me where is this beer from
It must be from Australia
Let’s have a look at the label
Bounced off his fucking head and returned like a fucking boomerang

<> Other customers: 

Touch that fucking gun mate and I’ll break you fucking fingers

<> Fuck off

<> The Manger:
Geordie, Geordie he’s pulling a gun to you right

Fuck you bastard

<> Manger:
Geordie, Geordie to ye left

Fuck you shit for brains

<> You fucking bastard I’ll fucking kill you

Is that right bastard?
I’ve got the drop
Fancy pulling the gun

<> Do you know who I am?

Some fucking wanker by the looks
Threatens to kill someone
With a gun by his side
When I have the drop
One false move bastard and I’ll pug you between the eyes

<> You wouldn’t dare
I’ll fucking kill you

Don’t dare someone who always dares
Now wankers any more for any more

<> You cannot do this
You cannot do this

Fucking German sausage sucking fascist bastards don’t understand English, what do you mean I cannot do it?
I’ve fucking done it.

Manager need a mobile
Phone 999
And pass it here

<> You fucking grass

Fucking idiot. Think you can just walk away from three dead bodies in a bar ye just plugged in the head. Fucking wanking

<> Geordie here’s the phone

<> Do require the police, fire service or ambulance.

Listen up, this is Geordie Gardiner, the coppers know me, I’m in the Shoulder of Mutton in Shiney Row, I want a police officer down here to speak to, not a fucking constable, an officer.  I’ve just shot three bastards in the pub.  Everything is under control, the coppers know I’m no trouble to them; tell them to come along here fucking sharpish.


<> What happened, what happened Geordie.

Ah hello Sir, I’ll hand over the gun if you want but as you know I can handle it and there might be other bastards in the bar with guns.

<> Other customer:
What do you call him sir for?

I’m an old soldier
British Army
When you salute a officer in the British Army you do not salute the person, you salute the Crown, the Queens Commission, this gentleman is also an officer, same, same, now fucking shut up.

<> What has been going on Geordie? 
First of all Sir, get one of those coppers to get that gun next to that bastard.

And keep ye finger off the trigger, put ye finger on the trigger guard.

<> Where do you want me to put it?

Put it on the end of the bar for now
You bastards stand further up the bar

Where to start

<> Chief Constable:
At the beginning

Ha, ha, ha, once upon a time

Well I walked into this fucking place and that bastard that is knocked out told me I was barred and I haven’t been in this fucking place since the early 80s.  I had a word with the manager and he said I was not barred.  I got a drink turned round and after a little argy-bargy the bastard pulled a gun, I distracted him and picked a bottle up from the bar and flung it at him and it struck him between the eyes.  He dropped the gun and this wanker tried to pick it up, I stamped on his fingers and got the gun.


<> What is it Geordie?

Rewind the security footage; let the Chief Constable see the footage as I explain, as I am picking up the gun, someone warned me that this bastard was pulling a gun.  There ye go, it is on the screen and so I had no option but to plug the bastard.

<> The Fascists Friend:
You killed him

Fucking too right I did
Think I should have just let that bastard shoot me

<> The Fascists Friend:
We want him arrested

Stupid fucker
It was self-defence
This is fucking England mate
You should not be sitting in fucking pubs with loaded guns

<> Chief Constable:
Then what happened Geordie?

Manager rewind that bastard back a bit

<> The Fascists Friend:
We want him arrested

Shut ye fucking gob ye stupid German fascist bastard or I will put ye fucking teeth out.

Now after I shot the first bastard someone shouted a warning about that fucker in the corner, there ye go, you can see the bastard is pulling a gun, so I shot the bastard in the head.

<> Fascist after waking:
I’ll fucking kill you

The wanker awakes

<> Fascist after waking:
I’ll fucking kill you

<> The Fascists Friend:
We want him arrested

That’s the bastard who wants to be arrested, threatening to kill and armed to do so with a loaded Browning pistol that he pulls out in a pub and it is on security footage to fucking prove it.

<> The Fascists Friend:
You’re a grass

A fucking grass ye wanker?
You’re the fucking grass wanker who is keeps saying, we want him arrested

<> The Fascists Friend:
We do, we want him arrested

You fuck faced fascist bastard so help me if ye don’t shut ye trap I’ll pull ye fucking head off. Now shut it.

<> The Fascists Friend:
We want him arrested

Fuck me I am going to have to unload this weapon
Magazine off
In pocket


In pocket

Click, click

Chamber empty
Clear Sir

<> Chief Constable:


Weapon on bar

Round out of pocket
Round in magazine
Magazine into pistol grip

There now
All done.

<> The Fascists Friend:
We want him arrested


<> The Fascists Friend:

There ye go, a nice gap where ye front teeth where, now ye can suck sausages much easier.

<> Other customers: 

Now where were we, right OK, I shot that bastard to the left and as you can see on the screen Sir, I back up towards the bar to cover these bastards in case there were any more guns. Can you stop it there?

Right bastards who else has got a gun?
Click, Click
It’s loaded boys
And I
As you now know
Can use it

<> Silence

Your guns bastards
Get them out slowly from left to right
You bastard in corner
Have you got a gun?

<> No

Now then if you claim you do not have a gun and if in fact you do then I will shoot you in the fucking leg.

You bastard do you have a gun

<> No Geordie no

You shit face do you have a gun

<> No, no

Sir, get that young copper by the door over here

Right son search them bastards
Don’t worry I’ve got ye covered

<> Young Copper
He hasn’t got a gun

Well thank ye lucky star, ye can walk home

Now search the next bastard

Right you, have ye got a gun

<> No

Have any of you fuckers got guns

<> Geordie, Geordie, don’t shoot me

Aye, aye and why would I want to shoot you?

<> I’ve got a gun

And where the fuck is it?

<> In my pocket

What fucking pocket

<> Inside coat pocket

What fucking side

<> Left

Here son, are those bastards clear

<> Clear

Right you fucking lot after the bastard with the gun squeeze up into the corner, right son get that gun off that fucker, I’ve got ye covered.  Any wrong move bastards and I’ll blow ye fucking head off.

Get a couple more young coppers over here sir.

<> Young copper:
How can we help?

Any of you two handle a gun before?

<> I have

What about you

<> A few times

Well here is your next time, take that gun, it’s loaded, keep ye finger on the trigger guard, cover your mate searching while I check the other guns on the bar.


Another bastard loaded

Can you load a gun?

<> Young copper

Well here we go

<> Yeah

Round back in mag
Mag in pistol grip

Click, click

There ye go
And remember
Finger on trigger guard
And any false move from any of them bastards then just plug them in the head
Up for it?

<> Yeah

Well carry on
Now than you wankfest shit faced bastards any more for any more?
Any more guns bastards?

Oh you bastards, there better not be

Right Sir, manger where are we in the film show, oh right the bastard near the door.
As you can see Sir, he walks through the door and would you believe it he draws a gun almost immediately. You cannot hear what is said and to tell the truth after all these shenanigans I cannot remember myself but watch him pull the gun up and there ye go, popped right in the fucking head.

To be continued: